திருமணமும் திருமணத்திற்கு அப்பாற்பட்ட உறவும்

 Of late news about extra marital relationship is common in newspapers. Many of this relationship do not develop due to sexual wants, but due to some other unfulfilled wish. The persons indulging in such acts, particularly women, knows very well about the family and social consequences and yet cross borders. In a formal marriage relationship men and women get bounded by social norms. When this happens, each one of them thinks the other as their possession. When something is possessed, true love get lost there. The degree of possession varies. Often women are more possessive than men. 

The imbalance between family and professional life is the cause of many such problems. The man who is ambitious to come  big in life and who longs for power, money and fame gives less importance to family. Women too like that social status they enjoy because of husbands professional success. But they soon realize that true love is lacking in their relationship as the husband becomes more and more greedy towards professional success. The time spent for wife and kids decreases. And even the little time spent is not of quality.

Even men and women who selects their own life partner through love, find the partner to be " not meeting his or her expectation" soon after marriage. Each has great expectations about the other, but these expectations were deep hidden inside their hearts. No one reveals their true nature while in love and try to deceive each other that they care only for them.

After marriage soon these lies comes out. Each of them starts to so the negative aspect of the other, which they failed to see during love because hormones takes over the mind during "Love". When the true life starts, trouble also starts.

Some men are over ambitious about their self growth so that they do not look after their family. There are also reverse cases. There are some men who are lazy, indulging in silly pleasures and spending whatever the money they earn for themselves and thereby passing the entire financial burden on the women. This happens mostly in lower class families and also in some middle class families. Only the women take care of the entire burden including the financial burden. This causes frustration among women. They soon lose their love ( if they had any over the husband) and just a superficial relationship exists.

On the other hand there are hen pecked husbands. The husband may be genuine and caring, but there will be over expectations on the part of the wife which cannot be satisfied by him. I know a woman who said to her husband straight that " the salary you get is not sufficient to run the family". The same woman had a dad who was earning much less than her husband. The biggest problem with modern day wives is that they prefer nuclear families. Worse, they try to terminate their husbands contact with his own sisters, brothers and parents. Even though they are not financially dependent on them, this separation is carefully planned and executed by the wives.  Such wives wants their husband "to be her own possession". A feeling of insecurity or inferiority complex is behind this action. Their brains do not work, but only the emotions make them to take stupid decisions.

What happens to the husband then? The husband who realizes this soon loses his affection over his wife. He starts keeping distance and even develops a hatred for her. A woman cannot severe her connections with her parents completely after marriage. The same applies to men too. This kind of narrow minded women makes the life hell for her husband and eventually make a mess of her own life.

Very rare are those couples who are very understanding, really caring and knows each other wants and needs true to perfection and act accordingly. Small misunderstanding and petty quarrels may occur, but they will not do any harm to the love and care they have over each other.

In this materialistic and egoistic world, woman expectations has increased. They want more freedom, more sophisticated life, they want their husband not to share his love for anybody else etc. Men on the other hand too, has become either over ambitious or completely indifferent to the family.

In whatever way we see personal interest of men and women come into play in a family relationship and this selfishness takes a upper hand. And where there is selfishness, there will be possessiveness and not true love.

And this has causes men and women to seek a way out. Coupled with the natural animal sexual instinct, this has paved way for extra marital relationship.

In many of the cases reason were not invented for extra marital relationship. Frustration, unhappiness, desire for true love etc makes one to grab the opportunity when it comes. Wonderfully if there is no possessiveness in that relationship, it starts giving true pleasure for each other. But again if possessiveness comes, the relationship gets wrecked.

In the book Eleven minutes Paulo Coelho depicts the true love of a prostitute with a painter, who eventually does not want to make the relationship binding so that its sanctity is not lost.  Love does not demand anything.

  

If a woman finds a man who is much caring, much loving than her husband ( in most of the cases the men does it only to lure the women), she develop a natural affinity towards him, which may later end up in extra marital relationship. Whether the extra marital relationship is legal or illegal? Well it is illegal by law. 

Kahlil Gibran's "Broken Wings" is a wonderful novel which analyzes the plight of one such women called Selma. Selma gets married much against her wishes to a rich man Mansour Bey, while she was in love with a poor good man. This marriage happened due to a Bishop who was Bey's relative. 

Kahlil Gibran in broken wings says about Marriage like this  

"Marriage in these days is a mockery whose management is in the hands of young men and parents. In most countries the young men win while the parents lose. The woman is looked upon as a commodity, purchased and delivered from one house to another. In time her beauty fades and she becomes like an old piece of furniture left in a dark corner."

Modern civilization has made woman a little wiser, but it has increased her suffering because of man's covetousness. The woman of yesterday was a happy wife, but the woman of today is a miserable mistress. In the past she walked blindly in the light, but now she walks open−eyed in the dark. She was beautiful in her ignorance ,  virtuous   in her   simplicity,   and  strong  in her  weakness .  Today  she  has  be come  ugly  in her ingenuity, superficial and heartless in her knowledge. Will the day ever come when beauty and knowledge, ingenuity and virtue, and weakness of body and strength of spirit will be united in a woman?

Once in a month Selma and her lover used to meet in a temple and Selma was extremely afraid of the society than about her husband. He father Farris Effandi also had died in the mean time and he died with pain that he has given her daughter in wrong hands. He realized that his daughter was not living a happy life since her husband Monsour Bey cared very little for his daughter Selma.

 During this meeting the dialogue between Selma and her lover goes as follows

( Narration by Selma's Lover)

Selma felt what was going on in my mind, and she put her hand on my head and said, "Come close to me, come my beloved, come and let me quench my thirst, for the hour of separation has come."

I asked her, "Did your husband find out about our meeting her?" She responded, "My husband does not care about me, neither does he know how I spend my time, for he is busy with those poor girls whom poverty has driven into the houses of ill fame; those girls who sell their bodies for bread, kneaded with blood and tears." 

I inquired, "What prevents you from coming to this temple and sitting by me reverently before God? Is your soul requesting our separation.?"

She answered with tears in her eyes, "No, my beloved, my spirit did not ask for separation, for you are a part of me. My eyes never get tired of looking at you, for you are their light; but if destiny ruled that I should walk the rough path of life loaded with shackles, would I be satisfied if your fate should be like mine?" Then she added, "I cannot say everything, because the tongue is mute with pain and cannot talk; the lips are sealed with misery and cannot move; all I can say to you is that I am afraid you may fall in the same trap I fell in.

    With rebellious spirit I took her hand and said excitedly, "We have yielded to the people's will for a long time; since the time we met until this hour we have been led by the blind and have worshipped with them before their idols. Since the time I met you we have been in the hands of the Bishop like two balls which he has thrown around as he pleased. Are we going to submit to his will until death takes us away? Did God give us the breath of life to place it under death's feet? Did He give us liberty to make it a shadow of slavery? He who extinguishes his spirit's fire with his own hands is an infidel in the eyes of Heaven, for Heaven set the fire that burns in our spirits. He who does not rebel against oppression is doing himself injustice. I love you, Selma, and you love me, too; and Love is a precious treasure, it is God's gift to sensitive and great spirits. Shall we

throw this treasure away and let the pigs scatter it and trample on it? This world is full of wonder and beauty. Why are we living in this narrow tunnel which the Bishop and his assistants have dug out for us? Life is full of happiness and freedom; why don't we take this heavy yoke off our shoulders and break the chains tied to our feet, and walk freely toward peace? Get up and let us leave this small temple for God's great temple. Let us leave this country and all its slavery and ignorance for another country far away and unreached by the hands of the thieves. Let us go to the coast under the cover of night and catch a boat that will take us across the oceans, where we can find a new life full of happiness and understanding. Do not hesitate, Selma for these minutes are more precious to us than the crowns of kings and more sublime than the thrones of angels. Let us

follow the column of light that leads us from this arid desert into the green fields where flowers and aromatic plants grow." She shook her head and gazed at something invisible on the ceiling of the temple; a sorrowful smile appeared on her lips; then she said, "No, no my beloved. Heaven placed in my hand a cup, full of vinegar and gall; I forced myself to drink it in order to know the full bitterness at the bottom until nothing was left save a few drops, which I shall drink patiently. I am not worthy of a new life of love and peace; I am not strong enough for life's pleasure and sweetness, because a bird with broken wings cannot fly in the spacious sky. The eyes

that are accustomed to the dim light of a candle are not strong enough to stare at the sun. Do not talk to me of happiness; its memory makes me suffer. Mention not peace to me; its shadow frightens me; but look at me and I will show you the holy torch which Heaven has lighted in the ashes of my heart −−you know that I love you as a mother loves her only child, and Love only taught me to protect you even from myself. It is Love, purified with fire, that stops me from following you to the farthest land. Love kills my desires so that you maylive freely and virtuously. Limited love asks for possession of the beloved, but the unlimited asks only for

itself. Love that comes between the naiveté and awakening of youth satisfies itself with possessing, and grows with embraces. But Love which is born in the firmament's lap and has descended with the night's secrets is not contended with anything but Eternity and immortality; it does not stand reverently before anything except deity.

Selma takes a hard decision in her life and says

When she rose and looked at me and said, "Now I shall return happily to my dark cave, where horrible ghosts reside, Do not sympathize with me, my beloved, and do not feel sorry for me, because the soul that sees the shadow of God once will never be frightened, thereafter, of the ghosts of devils. And the eye that looks on heaven once will not be closed by the pains of the world."

Nearly after five years of marriage Selma gives birth to a child. But the child was born dead. Selma also dies soon after delivary. This is the last passage that tells about Selma's death

The second day Selma was shrouded with her white wedding dress and laid in a coffin; the child's shroud was his swaddle; his coffin was his mother's arms; his grave was her calm breast. Two corpses were carried in one coffin, and I walked reverently with the crowd accompanying Selma and her infant to their resting place. Arriving at the cemetery, Bishop Galib commenced chanting while the other priests prayed, and on their gloomy faces appeared a veil of ignorance and emptiness.

As the coffin went down, one of the bystanders whispered, "This is the first time in my life I have seen two corpses in one coffin." Another one said, "It seems as if the child had come to rescue his mother from her pitiless husband."

A third one said, "Look at Mansour Bey: he is gazing at the sky as if his eyes were made of glass. He does not look like he has lost his wife and child in one day." A fourth one added, "His uncle, the Bishop, will marry him again tomorrow to a wealthier and stronger woman.

The Bishop and the priests kept on singing and chanting until the grave digger was through filing the ditch. Then, the people, individually, approached the Bishop and his nephew and offered their respects to them with sweet words of sympathy, but I stood lonely aside without a soul to console me, as if Selma and her child meant nothing to me.

The farewell−bidders left the cemetery; the grave digger stood by the new grave holding a shovel with his hand.

As I approached him, I inquired, "Do you remember where Farris Effandi Karamy was buried?"

He looked at me for a moment, then pointed at Selma's grave and said, "Right here; I placed his daughter upon him and upon his daughter's breast rests her child, and upon all I put the earth back with this shovel."

Then I said, "In this ditch you have also buried my heart."

As the grave digger disappeared behind the poplar trees, I could not resist anymore; I dropped down on Selma's grave and wept.

Many are living a life like that of Selma. Only the context differs. The reason differs. 

All extra marital relationship cannot be considered as illegal at least on moral grounds. 

Nothing in this world is ours. Even our family. This is another famous quote by Kahlil gibran regarding the children which says we cannot even possess our children because they do not belong to us.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, and yet they belong not to you. 
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

The needs of husband and wife should match. At the same time care should be taken that there is no possessiveness. Suppose a wife have sex with another man without her husband's knowledge and if it comes to his knowledge and if he truly loves her  he should not blame her. He should  realize  what is lacking in their relationship and try to mend it. But the reverse normally happens. He just thinks about flesh and not about her heart. There are relationships that are driven only out of sexual drive and that happens mostly with men and not with women.  

Our Indian society is the most hypo-critic society in the world. So such a relationship is blown out of proportion by neighbors, society and the media. Even true friendship between a man and woman is misunderstood and always seen in a negative sense. Why can't a married woman develop a healthy relationship with another man or vice versa?  

Even in developed countries where divorce is common, negative attitude prevails with respect to this. We think our wife and our husband as our possession. They cannot be possessed, if you truly love them. Many  loves and marriages ends in failure only because of this possessiveness.

Marriage is just a means of giving social protection to each other and to the children. Beyond that it is just a materialistic relationship.Thats all. But this is needed in one particular aspect when it comes to the matter of taking care of the children. If there is no system of marriage, the children will become spoiled due to lack of care and love. 

Only this aspect, the care for the children makes many to stick in the relationship of marriage, ignoring their personal griefs, sorrows and interests. I have seen many woman and men who were just sticking to this relationship for the sake of their children and society, just like Selma.

Their wings are broken. They cannot fly. For those who makes effort to fly, there are eagles waiting outside to damage their name and reputation.  

This article may seem to go beyond socially accepted norms, but this is my own personal views. And I have the right to think so.